Difficult conversations are something we tend to avoid at all costs. Whether it’s about underperformance, conflict, a personal issue, or an unsuccessful job application, entering any difficult conversation triggers fear within ourselves and the person on the other end. Our brain’s flight or fight mechanism is triggered, with emotions taking the lead, and we frequently find ourselves in defensive mode looking for a win.
Whether it be after a keynote at a conference or in a workplace emotional intelligence program, I’m often approached by people who are struggling with difficult conversations. They’re gripped with frustration, fear, and exhaustion when they need to initiate a conversation and address an issue (or, on the other end, when they feel the repercussions of a poorly handled situation).
Dealing with emotions in difficult conversations
While we’ve become more focused on emotional intelligence in recent years, we still have a long way to go when we initiate difficult conversations.
The language and emotional undertone of the words we use can exacerbate the emotions a person is feeling—or help them own it, process it, and move forward. Here’s how to have an emotionally intelligent response to the feelings that you may encounter when you begin a difficult conversation with another person, along with what to avoid.
1. Upset
Being upset is no different from any other emotion in that it has appropriate and severe levels.
We have higher severity levels when fear is driving our emotions, or it’s something that means a lot to us. Sometimes, our hormones can also be out of whack, meaning that we cry more easily than others. Here’s how to receive upset.
Your best approach: Getting upset in front of others (especially at work) tends to be embarrassing. Respond to the emotion, rather than the message delivered.
Ask: Would you like to take a break, go to the bathroom or get a support person? How can I best support you through this?
Avoid: Saying “I know how you must be feeling,” “I know this can’t be easy,” or “I am not loving delivering this message either.” Avoid any sentence that starts with “I” or is related to you. You don’t know how your companion is feeling, nor should you assume you do. It’s not about you at all.
2. Anger
Anger is an intense emotion. Our mind is being driven by our emotional brain, so there is no logic in play. Quite often we can’t (or won’t) hear anything people are saying until the intensity decreases, or we have finished saying what we have to say. Here’s how to receive anger.
Your best approach: Listen and pause; let them get it off their chest. Once they have aired their frustrations, use the same approach as you would with upset: ask them if they would like to take a break or how you can best support them through this. If their anger becomes inappropriate, pause the conversation and let everyone take a break and regain control of their emotions.
Avoid: Our fight or flight response is often triggered at this point, so our natural defense mechanism is ready for battle or protection. Don’t defend or try to justify your reasoning or message: this will only make their anger response even more intense. Avoid responding with anger, too.
3. Denial
When our mind doesn’t like what we are hearing, we can sometimes go into total denial to avoid the emotions being faced and felt. We put up barriers in our mind to block emotions and truly convince ourselves that this isn’t happening. Here’s how to receive denial.
Your best approach: Reiterate the facts and reality of the situation clearly and explain the next steps.
Ask: Does what I told you make sense? Do you understand what this means and what comes next?
Avoid: Some people take time to process and accept information. Trying to force them to do it instantly is never wise—and is likely to lead to more denial. Avoid getting frustrated, telling someone how to accept the conversation or making statements. Ask questions instead to help them process it in their head.
4. Meh
When the care factor or emotional response is low, it can be very confusing. People tend to be “meh:” the expression that they couldn’t care less about what is happening. They might seem disinterested, or even like they aren’t listening. Here’s how to receive it.
Ask: Do you have all the information you need? Do you understand the outcome, next steps, and expectations? How can I best support you from here? After this, it is best to end the meeting but keep an eye on them and revisit the conversation if required.
Avoid: Don’t try to make it a big deal if they seem unfazed. This might be a cover for a deeper emotion, or they might not have processed the conversation yet. Or it may simply not be a big deal to them. Don’t keep them there and continue to talk until you get the reaction you want or expected.
5. Curiosity
Tough conversations can spark many unanswered questions. Questions aren’t a bad thing and are a part of effective communication. Here’s how to actively listen to curiosity and answer questions.
Ask: Are there any other questions or thoughts you would like to share? How are you feeling about the information? Do you want to talk about it?
Avoid: This shouldn’t be a one-way conversation. Don’t end the conversation before they have finished or have enough answers and information. Avoid laughing at any questions or comments.
6. Positivity
Sometimes, something we believe will be a tough conversation isn’t one. For some people, it’s a relief to have the conversation or to have the issue out in the open. For others, it’s an actual win aligned to their priorities.
Ask: Are you happy to share more about what you are feeling and why? Is there anything more I can do to support you? Keep an eye on them and revisit the conversation if required, especially if their emotions change.
Avoid: A positive response can catch you off-guard, so it’s important to manage your own emotions both visually and verbally. Avoid cutting the conversation short or assuming this positive response will stay positive. It may be a protective front, or other emotions may follow.
Following the emotion through the conversation brings the human factor back into communication. While it can seem a drawn-out process or distraction, it will get us a better interaction, understanding and outcome.
Adapted from The Emotional Intelligence Advantage by Amy Jacobson, available at all leading retailers. Visit www.amyjacobson.com.au for more.
