Over the past couple of decades, researchers have repeatedly found direct links between loneliness and physical and psychological problems that are literally killing us—like heart disease and mental illnesses.1 Loneliness can cripple us physically, unwind us mentally, and make it difficult to be spiritually whole.
Here’s an uncomfortable truth: We’re made for human connection. Connection as in real, in-person, give-and-take relationships—doing life with people we know and trust and love. But in our fast-paced, screen-obsessed culture, deep and meaningful connections can feel insanely risky and disorienting.
But you aren’t doomed to live a lonely, isolated life. Yes, it’s scary and it’s hard, but you can learn how to overcome loneliness and cultivate safe, whole and authentic relationships with trustworthy people. You can enjoy depth and intimacy. You can learn to serve others and think of their needs first. It just takes hard work and a lot of practice.
Below are 12 powerful practices that will help you deal with loneliness and find relationships—if you commit to doing the work and learning these skills.
How to Deal With Loneliness: 12 Steps to Connect With Yourself and Others
1. Spend some time getting to know yourself.
Before you reach out to anyone else to deal with loneliness, I want you to spend time with yourself and acknowledge the feelings you’re experiencing. Practice solitude.
This seems counterintuitive. If you’re lonely, you need other people, right? Yes! But first I want you to reflect on why you feel lonely.
Painful emotions like loneliness give us valuable opportunities to be self-aware and grow. So, don’t run from unpleasant emotions. Be courageous. Examine your thoughts and the way you’re responding to your circumstances, and learn about yourself. Write down what you feel. Own it. Forgive yourself when necessary. If you need some help getting started, here are a few journal prompts you can answer:
Do you feel lonely all the time, or only in certain situations?
Fill in the blank. I feel lonely when _______.
When did your loneliness start?
Who would you like to talk to or spend time with right now and why?
List some of your favorite activities or places to visit that make you feel less lonely.
2. Be honest about your loneliness.
Admitting you’re lonely doesn’t mean you’re weak or a loser or an outcast—it means you’re human. I’ve often felt lonely in a crowded room. I’ve felt lonely on stage in front of thousands of people.
Feeling lonely sucks. And it affects us all.
If we aren’t honest about our loneliness, we run the risk of mislabeling our feelings and experiences. We might say we’re depressed or struggling with anxiety. But all we need is someone on our team—someone to argue or laugh with, or someone to share a meal or cry with.
Don’t judge yourself when you’re figuring out how to deal with loneliness. Just like hunger exists to tell you it’s time to eat, loneliness exists to tell you that you have an unmet need for connection.
3. Go first and be weird.
After you’ve acknowledged your loneliness, come up with a plan to connect with people. Loneliness can quickly turn into a pity party if you wait for others to reach out to you.
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You go first. Keep it simple: Invite a friend over for pizza or tell your family you’re taking them out for ice cream. Work hard to be present—look people in the eyes and smile. This will feel weird and uncomfortable, but it’s worth it.
If you’re in a season of life where you truly have few friends—maybe you just moved, or you ended a long-term relationship and changed social circles—you’ll have to get serious about making a plan to meet people. Choose to be active, not passive, in your search for connections.
4. Schedule in-person time with people you trust.
Our digital interactions are ways of communicating—not connecting. Depending on what studies you read, 70–90% of communication is nonverbal.2 Relationships are more than trading information through text messages, emails, snapchats and DMs. They’re about eye contact, posture, vocal tone, proximity and presence.
Connecting in person with others is critical. Friends, a therapist, a girlfriend, a husband, neighbors . . . Spend regular time face-to-face with the people you care about most. When you decide to overcome loneliness, consider creating rituals and rhythms of connection—like a weekly date night with your partner, backyard potlucks on Sunday evenings, or Taco Tuesdays with your friends.
5. Find a group to join and commit to it.
In addition to individual, intimate relationships, we all need to connect with a tribe bigger than ourselves. Find a group of people pursuing a common purpose and commit to it. Here are a few examples of ways to meet new people and make friends:
Try out a running group.
Join a hiking club.
Check out a writing group.
Join a small group at a church.
Get help with your money by joining a Financial Peace University class.
Sign up for a cooking class.
Visit different groups and explore, but once you’ve landed on something, commit. Be consistent. Friendships don’t pop up overnight. It takes work to create something meaningful.
6. Pay attention to the story you’re telling yourself.
When we’re lonely, we tend to wallow in our discomfort with tragic stories that we tell ourselves. Our storytelling machine goes into overdrive. We ruminate (a fancy psychology word for overthinking) on feelings of worthlessness or rejection. We’re too fat. We’re too broke. We’re bad parents. Our hair doesn’t look right. And social media “proves” that everyone else is smarter, prettier, happier and wealthier.
If you feel hurt because you haven’t heard from a particular friend for a while, you might tell yourself she’s ignoring you on purpose. If you were abused or abandoned when you were young, you might regularly think that people are dangerous and that vulnerability equals pain. Most often, these stories aren’t true.
If someone hurt you, it was because they were broken, not you. If someone hasn’t called or visited you, they might be desperately waiting for you to reach out. Remember that facts are your friends. Only keep the true and positive thoughts in your head. The negative trash doesn’t get to stay.
7. Don’t smother the people you care about.
A healthy relationship is about being honest about your needs, giving sacrificially, and safely putting the needs of people you care about ahead of your own. (These are all signs of emotional intelligence.) Sure, there are times when someone will give you more than you’re able to offer. And there are other times when the roles are reversed and it’s your turn to be a good friend and make casseroles, listen deeply, or mow their lawn. But be careful not to become clingy or desperate in your relationships, and avoid becoming a people pleaser or a people fixer. You’ll only end up wearing other people down.
When you feel lonely and seek connection, it can be tempting to blast others at 100% all the time. Be careful about exhausting your friends and family with your problems, your challenges and more you, you, you.
Other people don’t exist for you. . . . They exist with you.
Everyone deserves to breathe. Everyone deserves solitude. And everyone needs connection. Finding these delicate balances is tricky and ever-changing. It takes practice, grace, honesty and lots of laughter.
8. Be wary of social media.
They told us that social media would help us to stay connected with our loved ones, meet new people, and deepen our relationships.
They lied.
Social media exists to sell us things by serving up enticing information on a silver platter. These platforms use fine-tuned algorithms that are designed to keep us scrolling.
There’s alarming evidence that using social media actually increases feelings of depression and loneliness.3 Digital connectivity doesn’t equal connection. Sadly, we live in an age when we can have thousands of “friends” on Facebook, but no one who can help us move a couch. Or change a tire. Or pick up some eggs.
If you’re going to use social media, be careful about when you’re on it and how long you access it. Consider deleting your apps on your phone and only accessing them on desktop, or set a timer for 10 minutes when you start scrolling. Practice turning off social media when you walk into your home.
Be highly intentional about all types of media—Netflix, the news, infotainment sites like Reddit and BuzzFeed, and even podcasts. Make watching shows or listening to podcasts an intentional event, not a passive distraction.
And sometimes, you just need to protect your heart and mind and turn off the electronics.
9. Sweat (or at least go outside for a walk).
Movement is critical for physical and mental health. Nature is important for your heart, mind and body. Get outside and sweat—or at least move your body—regardless of whether it’s hot, cold, raining or beautiful outside. Action helps you break away from negative thought patterns and the feeling of being stuck.
Even better: Be active in community. Find an activity that interests you and invite a friend. I don’t care what it is—rock-climbing, hip-hop classes, yoga or hiking. Often, the best friendships form over a common activity.
But above all, move. If possible, move with others.
10. Find ways and places to serve.
Serving others helps us get our eyes off ourselves and focus on the needs and feelings of others who might also need help and connection. And of course, service will look different for each of us. It can be as simple as walking around with your kids to pick up trash in your neighborhood or as formal as working at a nonprofit to serve meals to homeless people.
Relational service may be mailing handwritten letters to people in your church, your grandparents or old friends. It may be bringing some soup to an elderly neighbor in your apartment complex. Whatever it is, grab a couple of folks and find ways to serve. Start right now.
11. Practice mindfulness and prayer.
Loneliness reminds me that I control very few things in my life. At the end of the day, I can only control my thoughts and my behaviors. That’s it. Prayer keeps me grounded when everything feels out of control. If you have an established faith or church community, carve out extra time to pray, and even host prayer gatherings to bring people together.
You can also practice mindfulness through any number of meditation apps. Or simply sit still, breathe, and focus your thoughts on being present where you are. Also, keeping a gratitude journal has numerous mental health, spiritual and wellness benefits. Try it.
12. Talk to someone.
When you’re in the depths of loneliness, the last thing you might want to do is seek professional help. But talking to someone you trust can be an effective way to get clarity and perspective. A therapist, mentor or pastor can point out areas where you can grow and ways to approach relationships that you might not have considered before. And if you’ve been burned in past relationships or have some introverted tendencies, a counselor can give you steps to face your social anxiety and start making friends.
Do Whatever It Takes to Invest in Relationships
Deep, rewarding and meaningful relationships aren’t easy, but they’re worth it. You can learn skills like listening, trusting, being vulnerable, communicating your needs and hearing hard truths with practice. You can become a better friend and find better friends if you’re ready to do the work of dealing with loneliness.
If you’d like more guidance on strengthening your relationships and connecting with others, check out my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life. You’ll learn the Six Daily Choices that can help you build a more peaceful, joyful, non-anxious life. You’re worthy of a better life, and I want to help you create it—one day and one relationship at a time.
